What would I say to my 18 year old self....

This blog has been inspired by another blog I read, http://www.ladywholunches.net/blog/ and it really got me thinking.

I am in my 30's, yes I know I don't look a day over 27 but the genes are good and the years have been kind...(ahem).

Anyway, I started writing a diary when I was 16 and I've still got it, I wrote in it and off for about three years, and I read it not so long ago. I was not so surprised to read that I haven't changed much. I still daydream (quite a bit actually) about guys, drink vodka, go clubbing (though no where near as much as I used to, c'mon I'm getting on you know) but one thing has changed dramatically in the years between 18 and now, I don't give a fuck what folk think, nowhere near as much as I used to (sorry for swearing mum, but the eff word was needed for emphasis).

I don't though. When I was going through my teens and twenties, peoples opinion of me mattered so much, it made me a bit insecure I suspect. I'd just come out the other side of puberty where I was an utter cow, probably to everyone I came into contact with, and I was a grown adult. I'd had quite sheltered life up until that point, so I think I was quite naive on how life worked, what was expected of me, how I had to act and behave etc., and now I realise that what was expected of me was no where near as bad as I thought it was. My folks only wanted me to be happy and that whatever I did, career wise etc, I did the best to my ability. That's all anyone could want from me.

I remember reading my diary about 10 years after I first wrote it and whilst I was probably having the same neurosis then as I was when I first wrote it, I felt sorry for my 16 year old self and wished that I had the hindsight to go back and change things which could have led me down a completley different path - worked harder for my exams, chosen my friends more carefully and realised that some of the clothes I wore at that age should be condemned to never been seen in daylight again (bad, bad, bad). I was trying to express myself and it didn't quite work out as planned, I didn't become a fashion leader, more of a fashion dead weight.

When I was 18 it was as if I had been given a blank note book and that each day forward was the pen I needed to document my life's day to day, dreams, goals, aspirations. I've never known what I wanted for a career, I've wanted to be everything from a Trolley Dolly to a Disco Dolly and most things in between. I kind of just became a secretary, it was definitely not my chosen career path, but it has done me good over the years and it's my trade, and will always earn me a crust when the need arises.

I look back on my life then and whilst I can't remember most of what happened (a vodka fuelled haze more likely), I do know I enjoyed myself and life. I had some good friends who are still around today and I had my family.

So what would I tell my 18 year old self now if I could go back in time (obviously wearing fantastic shoes), I'd tell myself to stop trying to hard, be yourself and when you get to your ancient and decrepid 30's, you won't give a fuck what people think about you, because you'll meet some people during your journey who will shape you into the person you're going to be. Always have a smile and a good ear and never let anyone put you down.

But most of all I would tell myself to follow your dreams, no one will do it for you and the only person you have to thank will be yourself.

Till next time....x